“Am I Overreacting?” Woman Has Been Losing Her Mind For 3 Years, Wants Out Of Marriage
A trauma bond is a form of harm in relationships that can be difficult to notice, let alone break free from. Itâs characterized by manipulative and toxic behaviors with positive reinforcement sprinkled here and there, which makes it very challenging for the victim to leave.
This woman recently learned that she was experiencing the same thing with her husband. To summon the courage to leave the toxic relationship, she shared the worrying text messages the spouse had sent her, to which folks online responded with one wordârun.
This woman recently found out she was in a trauma bond relationship
Hand holding a wedding ring over divorce papers, symbolizing a woman rethinking her marriage after a disturbing confession.
Image credits:freepik (not the actual photo)
But she needed more reassurance to leave, so she shared a conversation she had with her husband for folks online to dissect
Text message conversation showing a woman confronting her husband about their troubled marriage after his disturbing confession.
Text message conversation showing a woman rethinking her marriage after her husband’s disturbing confession about expectations.
Text message exchange showing a woman reconsidering her marriage after disturbing confession and emotional manipulation.
Text message revealing disturbing confession about marriage struggles and rethinking relationship due to dishonesty and appearance issues.
Text message conversation showing a woman rethinking her marriage after husbandâs disturbing confession late at night.
Image credits:Pristine_Raise_8943
She wondered if all of this was enough to file for divorce
Text message from woman reconsidering marriage after husband’s disturbing confession, seeking divorce advice.
Image credits:Pristine_Raise_8943
A trauma bond is characterized by emotional attachment to a person who provides pain and comfort
The term âtrauma bondâ gets thrown around quite a lot in mental health discourse, but not everyone is using it correctly. Sometimes people describe a trauma bond as a relationship that people get into by bonding over shared trauma. But itâs actually a form of harm, characterized by emotional attachment to a person who provides both pain and comfort.
âA trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment. The [toxic person] is in a position of power over the person being [harmed] and alternates between hurting and soothing them,â explains therapist Ivy Kwong, LMFT.
The red flags in such a relationship are usually subtle and hard to notice. The partner could be generally warm and attentive and take their significant other on extravagant dates, just to turn around and flirt with others or give the cold shoulder when they get upset.
This subtly manipulating and dismissing dynamic is incredibly difficult to break. âJust as youâve got your hand on the doorknob to leave, or youâre about to block them on your phone, theyâll send you a message or gift, or theyâll say something nice, or theyâll do something nice,â says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist. âThatâs the intermittent reinforcement; thatâs the slot machine and thatâs the core of the trauma bonding.â
Since the signs of trauma bonding are subtle, experts have listed some things to look out for in relationships that may indicate youâre trauma bonding in your relationship. A few of them include emotional dependency on the toxic person, minimization or justification of the harm, love bombing, a cycle of intense highs and lows, isolation from loved ones, fear of abandonment, self-blame, and gratitude for small acts of kindness.
Leaving a trauma bond relationship is far from simple
Woman covering her face, appearing distressed and rethinking her marriage after disturbing husbandâs confession.
Image credits:wayhomestudio / freepik (not the actual photo)
Sadly, leaving such a relationship isnât easy, even when the victim has recognized the trauma bonding signs, as the toxic person can persuade them into returning and staying in the relationship.
âWhat happens is once they leave, we see more often than not that the [toxic person] shows them an immense amount of love, itâs called love bombing,â says psychologist Dr. Lata Satyen. âAnd the victim-survivor believes that âOh this person is capable of demonstrating love and affectionâ, so they go back and continue the bonding.â
To break the pattern, itâs important to first recognize that the relationship is based on a trauma bond and not love. âThe first step in healing from trauma bonding is naming it. By acknowledging it exists and being open to breaking the cycle, you are taking a brave step forward toward your healing and freedom,â says Kwong.
Then, itâs important to seek out support from friends or family members. Trauma bonds can make a person feel very lonely and isolated, but they have to break through such feelings in order to receive the support they need. Seeking outside help is the most important step towards breaking free, as other people can help them see things more clearly and help build up the confidence to leave.
A person leaving a trauma bond relationship also must have a safe exit plan, especially if they experienced violence (emotional and physical) from their partner. After they leave, they have to be kind and patient with themselves, as healing from such a relationship takes a lot of time. Something that can help to accelerate this process is consulting a therapist, whose insights can provide clarity and skills to cope with having gone through traumatic experiences.
The woman provided more information about the situation in the comments
Online conversation about woman rethinking marriage after disturbing husband confession with emotional and thoughtful messages.
Alt text: Online discussion about narcissistic behavior and red flags in marriage after disturbing confession by husband
Text conversation showing a woman rethinking her marriage after husbandâs disturbing confession during late-night fight.
Alt text: Woman rethinks her marriage after husbandâs disturbing confession, feeling like a robot and questioning their relationship.
Readers concluded that the woman should run for the hills
Screenshot of a Reddit comment discussing relationship struggles and a woman rethinking her marriage after a disturbing confession.
Text message exchange about unhappiness in marriage and advice on being alone over toxic relationships, reflecting on disturbing confession.
Screenshot of online conversation where a woman rethinks her marriage after husbandâs disturbing confession shared in text comments.
Screenshot of a Reddit conversation where a woman rethinks her marriage after husbandâs disturbing confession.
Comment on social platform displaying a userâs quote about marriage, reflecting on a disturbing confession and divorce.
Comment expressing shock and advice on rethinking marriage after disturbing confession from husband in an online forum.
Screenshot of a social media comment expressing strong judgment about a manâs behavior after a disturbing confession impacting a marriage.
Screenshot of an online comment discussing a woman rethinking her marriage after husbandâs disturbing confession.
Woman rethinking marriage after husbandâs disturbing confession, seeking support and considering leaving toxic relationship.
Woman rethinking marriage after husbandâs disturbing confession, with advice urging her to find happiness and move on.
Screenshot of a Reddit comment where a user urges a woman to leave her husband after a disturbing confession about their marriage.
A woman reads a disturbing confession on her phone, rethinking her marriage after shocking revelations.
Comment from CuriousKatMiny advising divorce and rethinking marriage after disturbing confession, highlighting relationship and emotional distress.
Alt text: Woman rethinks her marriage after disturbing confession, highlighting troubled relationship and inability to fix husband.
Screenshot of a forum comment with the text Yes. Now. File. Hurry, expressing urgency about a woman rethinking her marriage after a disturbing confession.
Woman appears thoughtful and troubled while reflecting on marriage after disturbing confession from husband.
Screenshot of a social media comment about divorce, related to a woman rethinking her marriage after a disturbing confession.
Comment on Reddit about woman rethinking her marriage after disturbing confession, with user AggressiveSock1819’s advice.
Comment on Reddit expressing shock and questioning faith after husbandâs disturbing confession prompts woman to rethink marriage.
Screenshot of a Reddit comment advising a woman to trust her gut about her marriage after disturbing husbandâs confession.
Later, she came back to clarify some things
Woman sitting thoughtfully with hand on face, reflecting on marriage after husband’s disturbing confession, showing emotional distress.
Image credits:EyeEm / freepik (not the actual photo)
Woman sitting pensively at a table, rethinking her marriage after disturbing confession from husband in a tense moment.
Woman rethinks her marriage after husband’s disturbing confession, questioning their relationship and future together.
Text excerpt about a woman breaking free from trauma bonding in her marriage after disturbing confession and therapy.
Woman reflects on marriage after disturbing confession from husband, questioning trust and relationship stability.
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